ESSENTIAL OILS ARE FOR TREE-HUGGING HIPPIES

Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for cruising around bra-less, no make-up, in a tie-dyed hemp dress if the occasion calls (e.g. me in Bali), but I draw the line at essential oils.

Essential oils are for hippies.

Why would I use something in/on/around my body that detoxifies, strengthens my immune system, relaxes and restores my body’s natural function without any nasty side effects… when there’s perfectly good synthetically-produced pharmaceuticals on the market? 

I mean, that’s just ludicrous.  WHY would I do that?

Why would I mix lemon + tea tree + water to disinfect my house, when I could buy Windex for $5?  My toddler loves the taste of ingesting that shit as she makes-out with herself in my mirrors.  I couldn’t deny her that.

Why would I rub lemongrass + eucalyptus + coconut to fend off mozzies, when I could choke myself spraying Bushman’s?  Choking is so much fun.

Why would I use grapefruit + ginger + cinnamon to boost my metabolism and reduce cellulite?  I like my hail damage just fine, I’m trying to be fat.  So leave me the f*** alone alright?!

Wild orange to manage morning sickness?  Nope, not me.  I love nausea and vomiting.

Coconut + beeswax + lavender + tea tree rather than applying aluminum direct to my open pores?  Have you read what that does?  I definitely want that…

And as for frankincense treating age spots – are you kidding?  It’s the highest form of flattery when strangers ask if my mum and I are twins.  The.  Highest.

Why would I do any of those things, you crazy bunch of drug-smoking hippies.

Peace out man x

Fi Mathewson